Somehow the idea that this was on the internet, and available for public consumption, just got the best of me. I definitely would have written if this was a private forum, diary with heart shaped lock, or plain old journal....right? Probably not. The fact is, sometimes I run. When things are messy, it's easier to pretend that it isn't happening or that "it's fine." Reflection can be painful and ugly and annoying and self involved. Yes, I'm aware that it can also be healing and beautiful and eye opening but I've just been too busy. I'll figure it out eventually. It's not that big of a deal.
I'm really good at keeping up and keeping on...until that moment when I'm not. Isn't that just so much easier anyway? Several years in therapy has shown me that this probably is not the case but now that I'm "cured", I can just go on living life...right? Ugh! Okay, fine! I give in! Besides, that moment where it's fine until it's not has gotten way too close for comfort.
Reasons I quit writing:
- I had a weekend long event for work and didn't have time
- I ended a relationship and hadn't told my family much less a public audience
- It was the holidays
- I was worried about what other people would think
- I was looking for new housing in Colorado
- I wasn't working out and following my nutrition plan the way I wanted to and felt gross (like you can see me!)
- I was looking for new housing in Minnesota
- I didn't want to admit that the loose plan I had made had completely fallen apart
- I was a hot mess...
Valid reasons:
- .....still looking.....
Luckily, along the way, I've had these incredible people who have forced me to show up anyway. Whether I wanted to or not; whether I thought I could or not. They took me, in all my uncertainty, and said, "We'll figure it out." The other day in one of my extremely therapeutic scalding hot showers (where all great ideas come) it dawned on me that perhaps this was the story that needed to be written down. I could write about all of the things that didn't work out while I was away in Colorado or I could write about everything that went down once I got back to Minnesota but I decided before I started this journey that simply chronicling what was going on without reflection would serve no one; myself included. I take plenty of pictures on my iPhone and can basically figure out what I've done every day based on my series of selfies, random scenery photos, or assorted sibling pics. I'm not ruling out these chronicles...I mean, I've done some pretty cool shit! However, today is the day I call myself out and say, "Buck up, champ! You've just got to do the do."
I'm not going to pretend it's easy. In fact, here's a list of things I've done (TODAY) to avoid writing this post:
- update my calendar
- Work (It's desperate times, people!)
- made plans with a cute boy I met at yoga
- text encouraging words to several friends
- book a hostel in Hawaii (Ragnar Relay, here I come!)
- laundry
In yoga on Friday, the instructor kept talking about intention versus expectation. I thought this was an important distinction. So much of what holds us back is the expectation of a certain outcome. What if we just do the do and go in to it with the best of intentions? What if our intention is the only thing that REALLY matters? My intention was to tell a story. For better or worse. Not to give someone direction or solve world peace. So here I am. You'll be seeing more of me...the messy parts and all.
Keep your heart brave & imagination wild!
Love,
Carrie
